Lone-Wolfing It
If you’re anything like me, it’s really easy to fall into the routine of being a lone-wolf style Stay-at-Home-Dad. I’m not super into the term “Stay-at-Home-Dad” (or Stay-at-Home-Mom for that matter), because it strongly implies that we always stay at home, which is a practice that I definitely do not endorse in non-pandemic times. In addition to it being good for the kids, going to playgrounds, parks, playgroups, concerts, libraries, and building a community with other parents is very important for one’s mental health and adds a bit of spice to a lifestyle that is often quite monotonous and isolating.
In my experience, SaHDs (what a tragic acronym) tend to operate alone more than SaHMs do. Over the course of 7 years of going to baby gyms and play areas and what not, I’ve seen SO MANY more moms than dads in these spaces, comfortably hanging out with other moms like they’re old friends (they sometimes are), with an air of authority and command that I simply have never sensed in another dad in one these spaces or felt personally. Unless I’m feeling especially Type-A and start conversations myself, I often don’t really talk to other parents at all when I’m the only dad among many moms at some event (in related news - Gender Rant, Vol. 1).
I have found though, that once the women in these spaces understand that I am also a primary parent, it’s fairly easy to develop a friendship/comradery that works out well as we plan playdates, drop-offs, and pickups. So, if you’re a shy Dad, finding ways to signal that you’re a primary parent too might help break the ice sometimes if you do it in a way that isn’t weird, haha.
I would encourage anyone reading this to be especially friendly to dads that they see alone at weekday daytime baby/toddler activities, because such dads often have very little social interaction during normal working hours and stepping into one of these environments can be challenging at first for men that aren’t used to navigating spaces that are dominated by women. Full-time moms often deal with isolation and loneliness a lot too, so be nice to them too of course.
It has also been the case for me that it’s easier to make dad/mom friends by going with the kids to the same place over and over on the same day and time each week, rather than dropping in at baby gyms randomly. This way, you’re more likely to see the same people recurringly, which gives them time to warm up to the idea that you do this kind of thing regularly and are not a dad that is taking a day off from work to spend time with his kids.
Offering help to other parents when they clearly need it can be a nice way to meet people as well. Parents (especially those with multiple kids) could often use an extra pair of hands to lift a stroller up some stairs or make sure one kid doesn’t self-immolate while the other uses the bathroom, and showing a willingness to help out is a great way to demonstrate that you’re all in the same boat and build community.
In addition to it simply being nice to have friends, meeting other full-time dads and becoming friends with them can help nurture the confidence that one might need to move past internalized gender role assumptions that can cause feelings of insecurity. Also, the sight of two dads happily bringing their kids somewhere together on a weekday often gets people to turn their heads, which can be a step towards normalizing the whole situation.
Having said all of that, sometimes it’s nice to be a lone wolf!
Do you have thoughts, ideas, or questions about life and social isolation as a SAHD Man? Comment below!